I Shouldn’t Care

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in? That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I have to force myself to be liked by my co-workers or my classmates before, I was just lucky to have met people who see the same horizon as me.

But being in a new country now, it feels like high school all over again. I have yet to find the “right” set of friends and unfortunately, I have been unlucky.

Today, I realized that I was that one person nobody cares about. I am not having self-pity here. I just want to write down my emotions.

I will be alone for a while, I think.

You know the small, simple things? They are the ones that matter. Remember the feeling when your mom brought you your favorite chocolate? She didn’t forget what you liked. That’s a good feeling! That someone remembers. You feel happy because someone cared for you.

The office set-up was that I am in a separate office with the rest of the team due to some important tasks I have to finish with another team. I was told that this would be temporary (but now I am having doubts that they have plans to put me back with my old team). Today, my boss bought ice cream for everyone. It’s just the normal McFlurry from McDonald’s. It’s for everyone – but not for me. I was surprised when I went to his office (which doesn’t happen all the time due to the office set-up) and saw everyone eating. All of them looked shocked that I went there. Haha.

Then I went inside the office of my boss, jokingly told him “Where’s mine?” And he said that the guy who bought it didn’t buy enough for all. OKAY. You know how many people in his team? Five. There are only my boss and four other people. How can you miss out on that small of a number?

I didn’t push it and just went on to work with these thoughts at the back of my mind. I don’t know if I am being paranoid but I feel like they don’t want me to be there at all. Like they wouldn’t care about me.

When the guy that my boss was referring to saw me, I turned cold and didn’t talk to him much. I don’t know who’s fault was it, but I don’t care. I shouldn’t care because I now learned what’s my place in the team. I guess he noticed that I was different to him.

After lunch, someone called me and told me “you can get your ice cream here now”. WHAT THE HELL. Really should that make me feel fucking better? NO. It made me feel worse. Did my boss do it because I saw them? It’s their own thing, I shouldn’t really care who he wants to be with or not. Fuck.

Now I know why I am left alone in that office. I know why he didn’t insist on transferring me back. They don’t want me there.

Okay, I am getting warmed up. I should relax. I should just shrug it off.

 

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