Ancora Imparo

I am still learning.

I can say that I really have learned so much about myself during my stay here in Saudi. Being in isolation taught me that there are moments when I need to embrace loneliness and accept things I cannot control. I used to read quotes and whatever about motivational bullshit when I feel “bullied” or “depressed”, but now I understand really what it means.

I am on my lowest low, ever. I feel heartbroken, isolated, demotivated, hopeless. I still am.

But God really moves in mysterious ways, and I know that this is changing my life. I need to go through this so I can come out as a stronger, more faithful, and more mature individual.

I have a lot to learn and I know I will make a lot more wrong turns. There are times that I feel like a walking dead with no motivation and an empty heart.

I haven’t felt happy for a long time now.

But I am getting there, I hope.

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24th

Last February, I turned 24.

Thinking about it now, I really didn’t like celebrating my birthday. For me, its just an ordinary day. I spent my 18th birthday in bed, all day.  (it was a weekend, lol)

Being far away from my family, this birthday was by far the most depressing I had.

No more midnight surprise from my sister, or my college roommates.

and this taught me something. That unlike when I was back home where my family is required to greet me, or when I was in a dorm where roommates were always fun and up for something, now people are no longer obligated to greet me. Surprising a neighbor was not a thing and people are not really the kind to remember your birthday.

Greetings and surprises will only be done by your true friends.

And I realized I have none.

6 months and counting

The last time I wrote was 3 months ago.

A lot has happened since then and remembering what I wrote about last time, it did happen. For the past three months, I felt lonely at the workplace and doubted the decisions I made.

Studying Organizational Psychology, I learned that being happy at work improves the quality of your life. Which means being STUCK at work (and abroad) for the next 30 months or so, means you have to at least enjoy something to avoid falling into depression and giving up.

I need to shift my perspective on things. I want to change how I see things.

Here’s what I think I should start doing:

  1. Don’t care too much. I need to stop thinking about people who wouldn’t even lift their fingers to message me. I should shrug it off if they didn’t invite me to a birthday party or to someplace. If they did that, I should respect them for not wanting me there and not think too much about it.
  2. You can’t please everyone. Okay, I need to STOP pleasing people. Some people will use me and I should avoid trying to do things for everyone.
  3. Think before you become “proactive”. I read the 7 habits by Stephen Covey. But being in my current workplace, proactivity might be a bad thing. It will hurt me if I try to become a leader. I think it is just because of the culture here, so I need to be more careful.
  4. Do something else. Since being proactive would be a problem, I need to shift my attention to something else besides work. This will be hard for me because I like working hard!
  5. Remember my WHY. I need to remember why I am here, I am working here because I want to help my sister, my family. As long as I keep grounded to my WHYs, I will have the courage to continue.

Many things has happened since 3 months ago, and I have learned a lot about dealing with different kinds of people, and more importantly, I learned more about myself.

Life really has its way of turning things around. It will teach you things in ways you would never expect.

I survive by keeping my mind open, and my values intact.

Until then, this is where I was.

I Shouldn’t Care

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in? That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I have to force myself to be liked by my co-workers or my classmates before, I was just lucky to have met people who see the same horizon as me.

But being in a new country now, it feels like high school all over again. I have yet to find the “right” set of friends and unfortunately, I have been unlucky.

Today, I realized that I was that one person nobody cares about. I am not having self-pity here. I just want to write down my emotions.

I will be alone for a while, I think.

You know the small, simple things? They are the ones that matter. Remember the feeling when your mom brought you your favorite chocolate? She didn’t forget what you liked. That’s a good feeling! That someone remembers. You feel happy because someone cared for you.

The office set-up was that I am in a separate office with the rest of the team due to some important tasks I have to finish with another team. I was told that this would be temporary (but now I am having doubts that they have plans to put me back with my old team). Today, my boss bought ice cream for everyone. It’s just the normal McFlurry from McDonald’s. It’s for everyone – but not for me. I was surprised when I went to his office (which doesn’t happen all the time due to the office set-up) and saw everyone eating. All of them looked shocked that I went there. Haha.

Then I went inside the office of my boss, jokingly told him “Where’s mine?” And he said that the guy who bought it didn’t buy enough for all. OKAY. You know how many people in his team? Five. There are only my boss and four other people. How can you miss out on that small of a number?

I didn’t push it and just went on to work with these thoughts at the back of my mind. I don’t know if I am being paranoid but I feel like they don’t want me to be there at all. Like they wouldn’t care about me.

When the guy that my boss was referring to saw me, I turned cold and didn’t talk to him much. I don’t know who’s fault was it, but I don’t care. I shouldn’t care because I now learned what’s my place in the team. I guess he noticed that I was different to him.

After lunch, someone called me and told me “you can get your ice cream here now”. WHAT THE HELL. Really should that make me feel fucking better? NO. It made me feel worse. Did my boss do it because I saw them? It’s their own thing, I shouldn’t really care who he wants to be with or not. Fuck.

Now I know why I am left alone in that office. I know why he didn’t insist on transferring me back. They don’t want me there.

Okay, I am getting warmed up. I should relax. I should just shrug it off.

 

Day 4 of 365

Happy new year!

2017 will be a year that I will (probably) stay in just one place and I plan to make more productive by learning to write, and making blogging a habit.

2016 was very different and it was the year where I made really big decisions.

I left my job that many would consider “a great place to work in”, I didn’t pursue my masters despite being accepted in my dream university, I left another good paying job in a really promising company, and I went abroad – to Saudi Arabia.

To sum up my year, it was very impulsive. I was moving too fast, making big decisions, not really thinking too much about it.

I guess the reason why I accepted this job is because I wanted to escape. I needed to grow, personally. I need to learn how to adult. And maybe being stuck somewhere, without distractions might just work.

My 2017 countdown was a first. I wasn’t making noise with my family, I didn’t prepare pasta and ham like I used to every year, I didn’t eat with anyone when the clock stroke 12, I wasn’t carrying our scared dog (she is very scared of loud noises), I wasn’t able to hug my parents and jumped with my sister. The countdown was sad and lonely.

I think there is a physical pain that I can actually feel inside me. Something that I can’t explain and I have never felt this way before. Its just SO sad.

This is a first, and I know that this will help me become someone who is emotionally strong, and just being able to go through the feeling of loneliness, and being able to embrace this emotion will be good for me.

2017 will be a lot of firsts, this year, it will be different.

Is being kind worth it?

“Masungit” is a Filipino word that can be translated to peevish or unkind. The person who thinks she is your boss at work, or the old guy in the cafeteria who looks like he forgot his smile at home.

Sometimes I get tired of dealing with these kinds of people and I forget how to be kind. There will always be moments when I would say “whatever, fuck them” and I will give up and let them do what they want. Or just ignore them all at once.

Its easier to not care, but it also tests me as person. After a while, I will ask myself again if I am doing the right thing. Am I?

I often think that this person might be just being moody, maybe she is having a rough day at work or something happened to her family or something else. I try to understand, but will it always be like that?

If someone is being rude and unkind to me, should I return the favor or should I keep on being kind?

Because sometimes, being kind is tiring. Being kind is not worth it. Especially with moody people.

Or is it?

Moody

Tampa by Alissa Nutting

I read this book just yesterday after work when I couldn’t find anything to do. I honestly don’t know where I got a copy, but I have around 500+ ebooks on my reader and I just press “open random book” button on the upper right corner whenever I get bored and want to start a new book.

I read this book without expectations. I did not have internet to check the synopsis or reviews of that book at that time so I just went ahead and read it.

This is not your normal love story. Its actually a fresh idea (for me, at least) to see the point of view of a pedophile. And a lady at that.

The story was about a woman who married rich, and is actually a pedophile. So what else would she do to fulfill her desires but to become a junior high school teacher. Sick, huh.

It was an interesting read to see how a pedophile thinks and how bad her sexual urges can take her and the people around her.

Sometimes book like this gives me a break from all the cheesy love stories I normally read. Interesting.